Are you ready for the new year? Brace yourself, because 2024 is right around the corner! If you’ve been stressed and overwhelmed by all the Winter Holiday shenanigans and obligations, that’s your sign that you need to take the time to practice some self care. Practice some Zen meditation, have a nice snack or a walk in the woods, and, of course, touch yourself! Loving self touch can be an amazing way to relieve your stress and decrease your entire stress response, plus, it’s fun! That’s right, I’m a happy and open proponent of masturbation as self care.

Masturbation As Self Care

masturbation as self care can be life changingBefore we get too far into just blatant encouragement to jerk off, let’s pause for a moment and consider what “self care” is. Much maligned and laughed at by rugged alpha males and keyboard warriors, self care is just the simple act of taking care of yourself. Getting yourself a glass of water when you’re thirsty, having a good meal that makes you feel happy and content, taking a bath and putting on clean clothes are all acts of self care! Of course, what the screaming voices online like to bitch and moan about is the types of self care that can seem a little fruity or “too much.” Bah humbug to all those yelling people, though, because a little ‘excess’ won’t hurt you. After that nice shower, grab some lotion and slather yourself up! Taking care of your body is just good hygiene, but adding a touch of indulgence in the form of smooth sleek skin that smells nicer isn’t a bridge too far at all.

If plain water when you’re thirsty doesn’t cut it for you, add some cut up fruit! Lemon water is delicious, and I’ll fight you about it. Heck, grab the fruit juice and drink up; what matters is that you choose a drink that’s healthy for you, and if it’s an indulgence that also makes you feel good and inspires you to smile, well, bottoms up! Elevate your snack from a dull necessity to something extravagant and tasty. You don’t have to eat plain dry toast as proof that you’re masculine. You can have some cheese with your bread, and toss some fruit or veggies in there, too. Heck, charcuterie it up! You do know that Lunchables are basically charcuterie in a box, right? Crackers, lunch meat, cheese, and some grapes, boom, tasty snack that makes you smile while you’re enjoying it.

Masculinity Is A Trap And A Lie

Self care runs almost counter to what modern masculinity experts claim is proper manly behavior. Which is why I think you should embrace it! If J. P. TalkingHead is bad at it, you should work to master it. And speaking of things he’s probably bad at, I bet the last time he wanked himself off it took him less than two minutes and was vaguely unsatisfying. Masturbation can be as much a part of your self care routine as anything else, and you should do all the little things to make it more enjoyable and fun for yourself. Use lube when you masturbate, change up your habitual stroking pattern, try out a masturbation sleeve, and call a phone sex Mistress to make your alone time less lonely.

Ring In The New Year With A Resolution

I want you to resolve to try all the super scary not very manly things that you’ve been told are off limits for men. Schedule yourself a mani/pedi and enjoy some metrosexual maintenance. Grab some cute looking silky panties and wear them under your manly clothes. And masturbate with no limits, no regrets, and no shame. Masturbation is self care! Fuck the establishment, embrace your new punk phase, and jerk off with me!

Your Masturbation Mistress, Harper

XOXO, Harper