As you know, I’m a phone sex Mistress. As you may not know, I’m also a lifestyle Mistress.
This means that I will happily talk your ear off about BDSM, fetish and kink fun and games, and issues. I’ll also take one Saturday off each month to go out to a play party to get my in person kink on. I do love my parties! Such a great release, fun for all involved, and a much needed social outlet.
I’ve been involved in the kink community for right around a decade now.
When I started out, down here in super conservative Texas, there weren’t many female dominants. I can’t tell you how many times I had some male dom tell me he could get me up on a Saint Andrew’s Cross and make me cry. Hell, the very first munch (public, non-kinky or sexy meetup) I went to, a male told me he could tell me “what you are” by a physical test. He reached over, and grabbed the hair on the back of the neck of the other new female there. She, ah, melted, for lack of a better word. I know now that pulling the hair there can trigger a response much like scruffing a cat.
When he did the same thing to me? I pulled my head upright, turned and looked him right in the eyes, and asked him “so, is this supposed to do something?”
Yep. I’m soo not submissive… And I’ve been playing with power, control, pain and pleasure ever since. So I’ve got a few years of experience built up, and I thought I’d share them with you.
Here’s what to do, and what NOT to do, when you call your Mistress (or meet up with her in her Dungeon).
- Be respectful. This is someone you’re asking to control your cock, your orgasm, your body. Try to keep that in mind.
- Don’t piss off your Mistress. This follows from the above, naturally. And it’s a bit of a ‘dur’.
- Don’t walk through an active scene if you’re at a public play party or dungeon. It’s not safe, it’s rude, and it could get you hit in the face.
- Remember to say “Thank You.” This goes for phone sex as well as for in person play. The person you’re playing with is a human being, and she (or he) just expended a lot of energy and gave you the benefit of her (or his) experience. Be fucking grateful.
- If you’re into power play, and want to try to ‘flip’ your Dominant… this one varies from Dominant to Dominant. Some of us will take that very very poorly, and some of us will laugh at you, and some of us will play along. For me, you’ll get better results if you’re honest upfront about what you want.
- That reminds me, BE HONEST. You’ll never get what you want or need if you’re not honest about exactly what it is that you’re looking for! You don’t walk up to a restaurant and stare at them, expecting them to read your mind, you don’t order chicken when you want beef, so why the FUCK would you do that to a Mistress?!
Basically, the rules for pleasing your Mistress should be as simple and obvious as the rules for being a decent human being. Tell the truth, be respectful and ask for what you need. You’d be amazed how easy it is to get what you want when you follow those very simple rules.
well put, Ms. Harper. sometimes it seems so strange to me that such common sense notions need to be enunciated. respect and gratitude are the first things that come to my mind whenever i’ve dealt with a Domme. anything else seems so unnatural and, well, counterproductive.
then i have to remember that i, too, have been around the block (many would say once too often). i’ve done munches, Black Rose Society meetings, an rare scene or two @ Bar Nun get-togethers, and been blessed with a couple of dungeon visits. throughout, i cannot cease to be rankled by some of the clueless behavior i’ve seen, even if its just the aggressive “do me” whine of overtly needy “subbies.”
In an established relationship, the needy whine can be terribly sexy; however, when you’re just getting to know your Mistress, demanding pretty much anything of her is a mis-step. Demands, no… polite requests and statements of need? you betcha!
I love hearing all the details about what a sub wants, needs, desires, fantasizes about. I get a bit riled up by uber needy subs demanding that I cater to their dick and fulfill their every whim — often via telepathy! Those are the ones that make me wonder if they want a Mistress, or a remote control sex robot. 😛
And as for saying ‘thank you’… maybe it’s cause I’m from the south, but I say ‘thank you’ a lot! I’ve done some service oriented jobs (why, yes, I’ve had my share of customer service jobs… barrista, short order cook, retail…) and I know damn well how rarely anyone says ‘thank you.’ Which would be why, after I do some guy the honor of letting him cum, I expect him to pull himself together enough to thank me for it. At least, if he wants to cum a second time, he’d better say thanks! 😉
i can certainly see why the “whine” in an established relationship can be sexy. after all, it is the Domme that has nurtured and shaped the character of that need over time. i was referring more about the unattached sub at a play party, pestering Dominant after Dominant more from a need to be the center of attention than the need to serve anyone in particular.
& picturing You as a barista…if i thought i had a caffeine issue now, i can only imagine….thanking You and tipping You with each and every cup, naturally. 😀
you want whip with that?
Madame Barista knows best! 😉
Aren’t Manners Sexy and Proper?
always. 😛
A couple years ago, I read Mistresses blog post about not walking through an active scene. I believe she’s from the North West. From what I recall, she explained that both her and a sub were deeply into a session that involved her bull-whipping him while others watched from the sidelines. One spectator walked a little too close and was hit with the whip from behind and injured. It ruined the mindset of both the Domina and sub. Did something similar happen to you, where the mindset was broken? If so, would you expand on it? I like hearing about personal experiences, good or bad.
For me, when I’m flogging or whipping a submissive, I’m very much ~with~ that submissive. I’m not paying attention to anyone else in the room. They get my 100% undivided attention and energy. And, because I’m doing something to them that, without that complete attention, could very easily hurt them in lasting and unpleasant ways, having my attention divided by having to be aware of idiots walking around is undesireable.
I’ve had people walk through scenes before. At one party, a clueless top lead his blindfolded submissive girlfriend through my scene. I didn’t yell at her, because she was blindfolded and being led by someone who should have known better. But him? Oh, he got a piece of my mind once the scene was through. I’d come within an inch or two of smacking his sub in the face, and if I had, it would have been totally his fault. That night, he managed to do pretty much the same thing, repeatedly, to several Dominants, and so got to spend the last half of the party apologizing to everyone he’d managed to offend and piss off.
Imagine having to track down several Mistresses and Masters, and beg for their forgiveness, in public, after having made a big deal of how ‘manly’ and dominant you are. mmm, humble pie.
I’ve only hit one person walking through a scene, and luckily it was with the follow through portion of a flogger swing, so it had shed most of it’s kinetic energy and so didn’t really hurt her. Just startled her. I guarnantee she didn’t walk through another scene! At parties, the watchers do a pretty good job of making sure other watchers don’t walk through active scenes, without the Dominant having to police the space. At really crowded parties, I’ve asked trusted friends to help me police the space, keep it clear and ask the crowd to be respectful of the scene.
…I’ve had lots of near misses, tho. And have gotten really good at dividing my attention, briefly, in order to snap out ‘don’t walk through my scene unless you want me to hit you!’
mmm, party fouls, so much fun! (not)