If you ask yourself “Am I queer?”, the answer is…
Depends.
Just like the guys who ask me if they’re gay, queerness isn’t one of those things that can be determined by anybody other than you. If you claim that label, then yep, you’re queer. The trick is that a lot of people define ‘queer’ very differently.
So, what does ‘queer’ mean?
In it’s most elemental, broken down form, ‘queer’ means ‘other.’ Of course, this begs the question ‘other than what?’ Other than mainstream, other than straight, other than normal… Oh, but that definition leaves out the folks who say they’re queer and are straight. And the ones that are pretty normal, when you think about it. I mean, you hold down a job, eat, sleep, play and love, that’s all pretty normal.
For some people, ‘queer’ is a way of looking at life. They’re the hipsters, the green freaks, the eco warriors, the scensters, kinksters and polyamorous bits of fruit and nut in the granola bowl of life. When you think of mainstream middle America, the queer folks are the ones on the edges, defying expectations and creating a new society.
Queer is also often defined as being somewhere along the QUILTBAG spectrum.
What’s QUILTBAG stand for? QUeer, Intersex, Lesbian, Transgendered, Bisexual, Asexual and Gay. Now, Queer is a part of that acronym, yes, but sometimes that acronym is used to define queerness.
Ok, brass tacks time: Are you Queer?
Do you want to be? Leave aside questions about how much you want to suck a dick, whether or not you want to be coerced into a dress and panties or what you like to masturbate to. Whether or not you’re queer has more to do with how you want to define yourself than what you do in your bedroom.
I’m queer because I claim it. I like men and women, I like to play with bondage and whips, I like to explore power exchange in my relationships and I’m a sex worker. Why are you queer?
Wow, aren’t we the busy Lady. And I adore this alphabet thing you have been doing for so long. And this “queer” thing really got me to thinking.
I think you are absolutely right in that’s it all comes down to a matter of definition. I’m old now, if turning fifty is old anymore. But I can still remember my very first experiences of hiding my mom’s bras and panties under my boy clothes and that was before I ever achieved my first orgasm. So I remember quite vividly how my first orgasm came about and what I was thinking about when it happened. It was an experience to remember.
But, too much detail is boring. One thing I remember is lying in my bed and thinking about what it would be like and would I be happier if I were born a girl. When you’re that young, you can dream about being able to switch back and forth too. I remember thinking about it for a long time, maybe months. And I remember deciding that I could only be happy to be just what I was, a guy, but a guy who had the ability to harbor these secret fantasies. I think the crucial turning point in my decision was influenced by having many sisters and watching their lives develop. As a guy, I was able to have a unique perspective of girls. I could look at them and worship them and dream of all the wonderful ways I could serve them and humble myself to them. I knew that if I were born a girl, that would all mean nothing to me because all girls looked at were guys and guys are boring.
So it seemed very clear to me that being a guy had real advantages and unfortunately, many of those advantages would have to remain a secret in my head for a very long time. All the way through my life until such thing as this Internet appeared and I was finally able to share my secrets. I still find it very difficult to fit in with any stereotypical label. So “queer” maybe, depending on how you define it. To me, I’m a pervert with an underwear fetish and a bad case of breast envy. I adore worshipping femininity and I still wonder, just how far would I go to prove my devotion to a girl. 😉
Thank you for sharing your point of view, Davina! I love that you’re self aware enough to know exactly who and what you are. Labels are really things for everyone else to try to understand us and get a handle on us… and sometimes those labels can be really restrictive and confining. That’s one of the things I like about ‘queer’ as a descriptor: it means what I think it means, and what everyone else thinks it means, too. You have to ask me what I mean by it, and that opens up a discussion, instead of enabling people to just chunk me into a neat little box where they can assume all sorts of things about me. 🙂
Harper