I have seen a lot of truly horrible manicures in my time.

I get it, I do; poor sissies lack the skills needed to properly prepare themselves, to primp and pamper and make themselves into the perfect image of feminine beauty. Sissies haven’t been practicing since childhood, honing the skills and learning the little tricks of beauty and girly things. It’s a shame, but, sissies, you just lag behind. And the only way to gain the skill and get good at being sweetly femme is to practice, practice, practice.

But I swear, I have yet to find a sissy that can do a good job with their nails!

They may do alright with their non-dominant hand, but switch the teeny tiny brush to the other side and wow. Polish goes freaking everywhere! All over the cuticles, under the nail tip, and uneven? Can we say “splotchy”? Ugh.

Which is why I’ve got tips for sissies about how to properly pain their nails.

Ready girls? It’s very simple, I promise. You start with good quality polish. Yes, the cheap shit will work, but there are some drawbacks to being a penny pincher. Cheap nail polish cracks, chips and can turn your nails yellow. Your manicure won’t last and can (depending on cheapness), stain your nails. All the remover in the world can’t get the yellow stain of formaldehyde and toluene out of your nails, not to mention the long term weakening of the nail from using cheap polish. Once in a blue moon, fine. But if you’re going to be painting your nails for a weekend of debauchery, every weekend, you’re going to want to invest in something that won’t make you regretful the rest of the week.

Start your manicure with a nail file.

Shape your nails before you paint them. Cut in just a bit on the edges, to neaten up any trimming mishaps, then gently shape the tip. I prefer a fairly squared off tip, with the corners rounded. It’s a classic look, and should transition nicely into your not-so-femme life. Metal files are a good investment! They last longer and do a better job than disposable files. One side is for shaping, it’s a rougher grit to remove lots of nail length quickly. The other side is for shaping, a finer grit for smoothing rough edges down and giving a final polish.

Some people will tell you you need a buffer: no you don’t. Buffers, used incorrectly, will weaken your nails, and can hurt your hands. Don’t even go there. If you’ve got ridges in your nails, first up, talk to your health care provider because deep ridges can be a sign of a vitamin or mineral deficiency. If the ridges bug you, go to a salon and let the ladies take care of you. They can take ridges out without taking too much of your nail bed. Pay a professional to landscape your nails! Don’t mess around with a buffer alone.

Ok, down to the pretty colors!

Start with a clear polish, preferably something meant to act as a base coat. You prime a wall, you prime your car when you paint it, your should also prime your nails. A base coat keeps the polish from flaking off of your nails. The technique is pretty simple, too, and works for base coat, color coats, top coat, and so on.

Technique:

• Roll the bottle between your palms to mix the polish. Don’t shake it, that introduces bubbles and can make your manicure bubbly.
• Set the bottle of polish down on a stable surface. You don’t need to hold it in your hand, that’s a great way to spill.
• Wipe off one side of the brush on the inner lip of the bottle. Too much polish on the brush will result in having polish overrun your nails and get all over the cuticles.
• Four strokes! Down the middle, the two sides, and back over the middle. No more. Don’t fiddle with it!
• The dominant hand is the one that moves. If you’re right handed, when you paint your left hand, the right hand does the movement. When you paint the right hand, hold your left hand with the brush still and move your right hand to the brush.
• Finish one coat, then immediately do another! Finish one hand, go to the next, start over again on the first hand. Do each finger in the same order. Then stop. Let the two coats and only two coats dry before you do more!!! Too many coats of partially dried polish will result in polish that only dries on the surface and is mushy underneath. Gross. Two thin coats and let it dry.
• This means you’ll do a base coat and a coat of color, and then let it dry. Then another color coat and a top coat, and let that dry.

Alright ladies, you’ve got this!

Oh, yeah, the inevitable slop of color onto the cuticles. Everyone does it. It happens. Wait for your nails to dry completely, then go wash your hands. Be gentle, but use soap to clean around the nails. If there’s super stubborn bits, use baking soda to scrub it off. Trust me. Baking soda is a lifesaver!

So there you go! Perfect sissy nails.