I’d like to take a break from fiction today to give you some of my top audio tips for phone sex. Why am I about to tell you all about the pitfalls in some of the choices one might make when it comes to equipment to communicate? Because I really love my job. I get to talk on the phone and computer about dicks all day! And it is a major bummer when I get a fella on the line, and he’s horny, and I’m ready, and then they sound like Charlie Brown’s Teacher shoved their head in a tin bucket! Keep reading, because I have some things to definitely NOT do, and then some tips for how to make your Mistress’ life and audio experience so much better.

Audio Tips for Phone Sex: What NOT to do.

Number one tippy top tip for good audio on a phone sex call: don’t use a speakerphone. I know, you can hear me just fine! You’re welcome. I’m not using a speakerphone! When you call me, I’m using a state of the art high end corded phone with headset. The sort of thing made for folks in call centers, who take calls all day long. My headset is light, and fits my ears perfectly. It has a very high quality microphone, to make up for the compression on the audio signal that all phone lines create. I would never use a speakerphone to talk to you, because the further away your mouth is from the microphone, the worse the audio quality gets. Pay attention now, out of all the audio tips, this is the most vital: microphones hear everything.

Speakerphones suck. Here’s why:

Microphones hear everything. Just, engrave that into your mind. The microphone in your speakerphone, or in your cell phone that you laid on your chest so you could put it on speaker and use two hands to jerk off, or literally any microphone you have access to, hears every sound vibration between the microphone and your lips, and beyond! Got a fan running? I can hear it on your speakerphone. TV in the room, or even down the hall? I hear that as muffled voices (and sometimes jingles from commercials). Did you just breathe heavy on the phone you laid on your own chest? Heard it.

Your microphone picks up sound best closest to itself. The further away the source of the sound is, the worse the audio quality is by the time it’s picked up, compressed, and transmitted to my very expensive and super fancy little speaker in my ear. Any list of audio tips has to include an extensive warning against speakerphones.

Bluetooth is not that much better.

Yes, a Bluetooth headset can get the microphone much closer to your face, and that does improve the sound quality immensely. If you’re at home, wanting some hands free talking on the phone time, grab a Bluetooth headset and let’s go! BUT. If you’re in your car, and decide to use the car’s on-board Bluetooth in order to make a dirty, nasty, incredibly graphic phone sex call while you’re parked out back by the dumpsters? Oh boy. You’d better hope no one else is nearby with Bluetooth turned on too. They can hear everything you’re saying, and everything I’m saying, too. Now, I have no shame, but did you really want to let the manager taking a smoke break in their car know that you love to suck cock while wearing panties?

Speaking of Bluetooth in a car…

Are you driving while talking dirty in your car? Well, at least you’ve gone hands free, but could you pretty please focus on steering the giant death machine instead of trying to squirt on the steering wheel? Pull over and take care of your business, enjoy your afterglow, then drive. Mistress commands that you not do something that has serious negative consequences on your health (or the health of others!) just in the name of an orgasm. That’s less of an audio tip, and more of a safety tip, but still. Oh, and, obviously if the on-board Bluetooth is on, the microphone is NOT near your face. That mic is somewhere in the dashboard, or in the ceiling of the car. And that means it picks up all the sounds of your car. Wind noise, engine sounds, shifting gears, windshield wipers… I can hear that.

Lastly, Alexa.

Yes, you can use your Alexa to make a phone call! How convenient! How useful! How terribly not a good idea at all!!! I can tell you why you sometimes tell Alexa to add ‘frozen waffles’ to your grocery list and wind up with ‘frisky windows’ on there instead. The microphone in an Alexa is not a state of the art, top of the line, awesome microphone. It’s a piece of crap, and your sound quality is in the crapper. Calls made using an Alexa make you sound like you’ve shoved your head in a tin bucket while doing a bad impersonation of the Teacher. Where on some calls, I can hear everything? With an Alexa, I hear something, but goodness me I don’t know what that was. Oh, and, Alexa records everything, so now Amazon knows you like to suck cock while wearing panties.

Now that you know what NOT to do, let’s get some audio tips for what to do to improve the sound quality!

Get yourself a good headset, first. I know, you want to go hands free so you can jerk off! That’s the whole point, right? Ok, then get a headset. Do not cheap out, actually get a good headset to use. Either wired or Bluetooth works well, just, grab something mid-range with good ratings. When you’re ready for your session, find a quiet place. Turn off the TV, aim the fan away from yourself so it doesn’t blow across the microphone, and, if you’re in a car, pull the fuck over and park. Test your equipment before you arrange a session; make sure the headset is compatible with your device, charged up, and works. Call dispatch and ask if they can help you test your headset before you’re spending money in a session with me. If you’re using Skype for a sexy session, use headphones so you can hear, and try to arrange whatever microphone you’re using near your face. I know, you’re using it on your phone, and that brings us right back to the speakerphone problem, but at least Skype doesn’t compress the audio as much as a phone does.

To sum up:

Here’s the Too Long, Didn’t Read version of the Audio Tips.

• Don’t use a speakerphone or Bluetooth on-board your car.
• Really don’t use your Alexa to make a phone call.
• Invest in a moderate range headset, either wired or Bluetooth.
• Test your equipment before you attempt a call.

So, are you ready to make your Mistress happy with you? Give your new headset a try out with me, and we’ll get you sucking cock in panties in no time (and no one else needs to know your little secret…)

Your Audio Tips Mistress, Audiophile Harper