Once more, dear pervy pals, your weekly sexy kinky guide to the stars. Or your stars guide to your sexy kinky world.

From the top: Aries Taurus and Gemini!

  • Aries (March 21 – April 19): Be conservative with money this week, because that skanky ho you picked up last night may be not such a good idea. Instead, invest in a nice long term relationship with your favorite Mistress, certain to pay long-term dividends.
  • Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Taurus, this week the sun moves into your sign, so you’ll be feeling damn good. Take the, ahem, Bull by the cock and get ‘er done! You’ve got momentum, so feel free to follow through on your fantasies (sucking as many cocks as you possibly can!)
  • Gemini (May 21 – June 20): Gemini, the stars are warning you to play your cards close to your chest and to take it easy. Don’t spill all the beans about your secret plans! If you want to win the Sissy Pageant at the Enchantrix Empire, you’ll need a secret plan.

And now, Cancer, Leo and Virgo!

  • Cancer (June 21 – July 22): You’re going to feel a lot of energy in your social area. And yes, that is as dirty as it sounds. πŸ˜‰ Don’t spend too much time ‘socializing’ tho, otherwise you could miss out on the chance to expand your business. (unless your business is socializing…)
  • Leo (July 23 – August 22): Leo, your ambitions are going to be getting a bit out of hand. Just remember that it takes practice, practice, practice to take a big cock down your throat. You’ll want to take center stage, but just make sure you’re ready for the ‘big’ time.
  • Virgo (August 23 – September 22): Oh, you lucky creature you! Virgo, this is the perfect time to try something new! Reach outside your comfort zone and try that new thing you’ve been thinking of.

Libra, Scorpio and Sagittarius, you’re up next!

  • Libra (September 23 – October 22): Libra, you’ll be feeling so good, so energized, so on top of things that you may find yourself tempted to go all day and night! Don’t do it! Take regular breaks to hydrate and add lube, because trust me, you simply can’t fuck all night long with no adverse effects.
  • Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): If you can see things from other’s point of view this week, you’ll be in a great position to make new connections and friends. In bed. In other words, just be generous in the sack this week. It’ll pay off a thousandfold.
  • Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): You’ve got an opportunity to make some changes to your work environment and habits. Do it! Perserverance is key. Keep going, keep slogging through all those decisions and choices and paperwork; your costumes are tax deductible, and it’s worth the headache now to have everything catagorized by season.

And finally, Capricorn, Aquarius and Pices!

  • Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): Time for fun! Get out your party dress and find a party. Better yet, throw one. A big extravaganza for you and all your sissy friends. I’ll bring the studs.
  • Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): Nesting. That’s one word for what you’ll be doing this week. Another word is ‘completely freaking out and cleaning every fucking thing in a tizzy because you’re afraid your Mistress will be disappointed’. Chill the fuck out and get some perspective.
  • Pisces (February 19 – March 20): You’ll be feeling very creative, Pices. So you should contact me about writing a guest blog for me!

Your sexy horoscopes for the week of April 18. Voila! You may applaud.