One of the most often overlooked and neglected parts of kinky games is the negotiation.
I’ve seen far too many bright-eyed, eager, and horny new folks enter the community and jump straight into intense play without stopping to negotiate first. It drives me absolutely crazy every time I see it happen! It’s called “sub-frenzy”, and while it’s understandable, it’s also extremely unsafe. Because good communication isn’t taught as a skill through formal education, or in most homes, it’s a skill that very few people have. Trust me, good communication and being able to negotiate your boundaries, wants, needs and limits is vital to getting what you want in life (not just in kink).
Brass tacks: What is ‘negotiation’ in a kink setting?
Negotiation is the process of sitting down with a potential play partner and talking about what you both want, need, and are willing to do together. It’s that simple, honest. Now, as with all things that are simple on the surface, there’s some complex stuff going on underneath. Humans are tricksy creatures, prone to misinformation, nebulous ideas about ourselves, and intricate shame/guilt complexes.
How do you make negotiation easier on yourself?
My best advice is to spend time outside a kinky context thinking about what you want when you’re in a kinky context. This is the part where you delineate your boundaries. What do you want, and conversely, what ~don’t~ you want. What are you willing to compromise on, what’s a hard limit, and how far are you willing to compromise to get what you want? Only you can answer those questions, so don’t let pressure from a pushy top or dominant lead you into things you would normally say “no way in hell” to.
Once you’ve got your boundaries straight, what comes next?
Now that you know what you want, don’t want, and are willing to compromise on, now you get to tell your partner. I’m assuming for the sake of this post that your partner is already kinky and willing to do kinky things with you; convincing a previously non-kinky person to play with you is a whole ‘nother kettle of fish. Take a deep breath, in through the nose, out through the mouth, stand up straight, look them in the eyes (or as close to that as you can get), and tell them. Use simple language, don’t try to be poetical, don’t stroke their ego too much, just, tell them what you want.
“Mistress, I would love for you to dress me up in panties and thigh highs, parade me around in front of your friends, and tell them all how much of a silly, slutty, cockwhore I am.”
Straight out, simple, clear, unambiguous. And that formula works for everything! “Good morning, I’d like a venti double shot extra mocha with whip, dome lid, please.” “I cannot make the meeting on the 12th at 7am, I’d like to reschedule for the 18th at noon.” “I’d like to commission a tattoo from you that says ‘property of Mistress Harper’, for my left buttcheek.”
Know what you want, what you don’t want, and communicate it clearly.
And be willing to hear “no”. (But really, dealing with a rejection is yet another kettle of fish; in kinky negotiation, it is ok to ask if that ‘no’ is a hard no, or an opening to compromise, but if it’s a hard ‘no’, take that as solid gold. If you want your limits and out of bounds things to be respected, you have to extend the same respect to your tops’ limits.)
Now. Go forth and negotiate!
I think you gave an excellent example of how things can go very wrong if the submissive doesn’t communicate. Lots of guys lack the natural ability that women have to communicate. I think it’s important to push a male to learn how to speak effectively. Or, if they can’t communicate, then they just need to learn how to OBEY! That’s My two cents! XOXOXOX Simone
You either learn to ask for what you want and need, or learn to accept what comes your way without input from yourself. It’s the difference between being active in your kinky relationships or being passive, and just taking it.
It can be sexy to go passive and just take what your Mistress hands you, to obey without question, to be Her perfect slave.
In fantasy scenarios it’s wonderful fun to utterly control a slave. In reality, I think it’d be a lot of work! I’m not about to run around behind a slave and remind them to brush their teeth, for instance. lol. A careful balance of passive take what I give you and active get off your butt and get to work here is what’s needed. 😉
(and you come over here, leave hugs and kisses laying around… when are you coming for another visit? eh? Bring your slave, we can test out my new snake whip!)
Okay can I just say excellent blog! I think kink negotiation before play is so important in fact you cant go into any kink play without it making sure everyone is on the same page! Being straightforward is whats best for sure and you did an excellent job explaining that! You rock Ms Harper
Aw, thanks!
I’m known locally to be the negotiation maeven. All negotiation, let’s talk about what we want to do before we do it, and see if talking about it can’t get us hot for it! Massive communication nerd here. 😉
Great post, Ms. Harper. Communication is crucial in any situation, even more so in D/s situations. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve had guys say to me when I ask what they are looking for “I just want you to dominate me.” Okay, but *how* do you enjoy being dominated? “However you wish to dominate me, Mistress.” Any Mistress worth her salt knows that continuing on with D/s play at this point is not a good idea. She will insist on concise, clear communication both before, during, and after D/s play. Sometimes that communication is non-verbal, but it is, nonetheless, communication, and very necessary for a successful scene.
I always get so tempted when they say they’ll do ‘anything’, or ‘whatever you want’, to have them go get some cheese, rub it between their balls and their cock, and then eat it all up yum! Because obeying me would be submission, that’d be one heck of a challenge to actually do, and, dang it, coming up with all the parameters is not fun! They say ‘anything’ and I hear ‘I don’t know but I’m horny, read my mind!’
Silly stroker boys. It’s more fun if they clearly communicate with us!
OMG, that is so nasty Ms. Harper but I bet a man would spray cheese whiz all over their cock and balls to make YOU happy! That’s a scary thought isn’t it? Let’s take it a bit further though. How about getting another guy to eat the cheese off the first guy. I LOVE watching two guys go at it and for Me at least that would be some great porn! Love you babe!
rofl!
There are many uses for spray cheese, and I think using it to get a guy over his initial “but I’m straight!” hesitation is one of the best.
(I still like making them beg for it, because it’s affirmative consent. They’re literally asking for it! “please spray cheese spray so I can lick it up!” rofl!)