Welcome to Adult Sex Education part Five: Boundaries and Limits.
There are a lot of topics that ought to be covered in any good Sex Education class, and yet wind up neglected. The idea of boundaries and limits for sexual acts is one of those topics, probably because it’s one of the more complex, fraught and downright scary ideas out there. If ever there was something that was going to get you rejected by your intimate partner, it’s the idea of putting up a boundary between you and them.
What is a sexual boundary?
A sexual boundary is a line that you draw around certain acts or types of acts that you don’t want to participate in. For example, I have a sexual boundary around certain hardcore taboo acts. They’re just a nope for me, and I’ve put those things in my no fly zone. You can have a boundary around an act for literally any reason you want. You can decide it’s gross, unsanitary, against your ethics, or just not something you’re into. Any reason, or no reason at all.
What is a sexual limit?
A sexual limit is a more strongly worded version of a sexual boundary. In kink and bdsm, you’ll run into the idea of ‘soft’ and ‘hard’ limits; a soft limit is an activity that you might be willing to be talked into, while a hard limit is a solid no, never, no way, nu-uh, not going there line in the sand. If I were to ask you what your limits were, you could tell me “no tickling, no nostril picking, and cutting my hair is a hard limit” and I’d know that I should not tickle you, pick your nose or my own, and that cutting your hair would be utterly forbidden.
One of the scariest things any human being can do is to talk about their boundaries and limits with another person.
When you find a person that you’d like to do some kinky stuff with, the hands down most important conversation you can have with them is to lay out what you don’t want to participate in. Even if what you’re into is Total Power Exchange (TPE), you should still lay out things that are likely to result in you running screaming from the room. Remember that actually owning a person is illegal, and that even if you pretend for kinky reasons to be their slave, that you still have the right to object to things that you find distasteful.
How do you lay out your limits and boundaries?
Since discussing the nasty, dirty, perverted things we want to do together takes so much energy and attention, I recommend having our negotiation and discussion outside of an erotically charged space. Don’t discuss your limits while your lover is holding a cock cage, while you’re horny, or while you’re both in the middle of fucking. Wait until both of you can actually devote attention and time to the conversation, and make sure to keep things low key. Negotiate your scene and lay out your limits from a position of equality, not from your knees in front of your Mistress.
This post is so great. I think it will really open a lot of doors for many submissives out there who aren’t quite sure how to address this with their Mistress. A healthy BDSM relationship allows for exploration of the total person and that includes a respect for limits. Well said, Ms Harper.
Thank you, Ms Alexis.
I’ve had a few too many fellas tell me they’re up for “anything”, and while over the phone that can be fairly tame, when I go to a party I have to hold myself back from laughing maniacally. My ‘anything’ and their ‘anything’ can be very different things! lol
And over the phone, you’ve gotta communicate about what you want and need, and what’s a boner killer for you. Otherwise we’ll probably make a misstep and you’ll wind up disappointed and withered. (Unless you’re into ruined orgasms… in which case, what’s your turn off?)
I agree completely. I personally don’t have many boundaries. I try to figure out why I have a certain limitaiton and move around it. But, even with that, I have to sit down sometimes and think of what is best for Me personally. That takes both time and lots of honestly. Both of which are absolutely essential in bdsm.
I think it’s good to push your limits sometimes, that’s how we avoid stagnation and embrace change. But at the same time, some limits are good… like, ‘no, you may not put your currently experiencing an outbreak of herpes tongue on my body!’
And you’re absolutely right that time and honesty are really really important to BDSM play. Really important!