One of the most frightening conversations to have with a sexual partner is the one about what turns us on.
If you take as a base assumption that what most people know about sex they learned from television and media, then you’ll understand what I mean when I say that most people have really messed up ideas about sex and relationships. Sex Education or Health classes in school focus on the biology of sex, the physical bare bones of reproduction and have nothing whatsoever to do with what two actual real humans get up to in the bedroom. Television would have us believe that sex is one man and one woman under the covers with the lights off (and that the woman leaves her bra on.) Movies convince us that there should be lip biting passion, sleek toned bodies moving together with a rousing soundtrack in the background.
The reality of sex and relationships couldn’t possibly be further from the version of sex we see in the media we consume.
Over here in the real world, sex is a whole lot more complicated and messy than it looks on the silver screen. It’s not always one man and one woman, I don’t leave my sexy lingerie on for sex, (much less my underwire pushup bra), and the sheets are kicked to the foot of the bed (if they manage to stay on the bed at all, frankly). It’s not always missionary, lip biting kisses are fun but tend to leave my lips feeling bruised, and other than in fantasy, not all of my loved ones are sleek, toned gods of the gym.
Oh, and one more way tv and movies get sex wrong…
You never ever see anyone in tv say to someone else “there’s something that turns me on, and I’d like to discuss it with you.” And really, that’s pretty much the best sentence ever, and I think it should be said much more often than it is.
Allright, brass tacks time: How to introduce your kink or fetish to your partner.
Step One. Say to your partner “there’s something that really turns me on and I’d like to discuss it with you.” Not in the bedroom. Make a date to talk about it, in a non-intimate setting. Take the pressure off, guys! Keep it low key, low intensity, and do not make it a deal breaker (unless it really is.)
Step Two. Remain calm. Talk to your partner like they were an adult with a mind and a will and the ability to say ‘No.’ They’re your partner for fuck’s sake. Manipulative language, even body language, has no space here. Keep your calm, your zen, and just talk.
Step Three. Present your case with facts and logic, and then tell them the emotional reasons. In that order! Think of it as if you were giving a report. What are you into? How does it work? How can they be included or excluded? What do you gain from their participation?
Step Four. Listen. They will have questions, they’ll want to know things. They may ask for space to think about things. They very well may say they don’t want to hear any more and to go away. LISTEN to what they say and heed it. Answer their questions, provide them with more information (give them my number, if you must. I can talk them through understanding, too.) If they need space, back the fuck off. If they don’t want to participate or hear about it, shut up about it. No pressure. Do not be the skeevy perv who foists his fetish onto everyone whether they want it or not.
Step Five. Profit. Profit from all your hard work introducing your partner to what makes you sexually tick. Have fun with it, because you’ve earned it. And if your partner isn’t interested right now, don’t worry about it. Because you acted like an adult who respects them, they’ll give you the same respect. And if you’re lucky, eventually they’ll want to show you how much they appreciate your non-skeevy perversion (maybe even by exploring your fetish with you.)
This was a great post Ms. Harper! I love that you know exactly how to deal with these types of certain situations that could end very well or ugly! 😀
I’ve seen these conversations go so badly! Every time, I just bite my lip and cringe. I mean, damn. So, I thought I’d toss some advice out there in hopes of helping people out. I’m glad you liked my words!
Great post once again Ms Harper! You’re right! I think sex and money (debt) are the two most difficult topics to have with a partner. Well, it’s only difficult if you tell the truth, right? And, as you’ve pointed out, the truth is the thing that really solidifies the whole relationship. Truth is often (usually) risky and these conversations are right there on the edge! But, living life on the edge and having risky conversations is what actually brings life to life. While you’re here, living this life, why settle?
Oh that pesky truth. Scariest thing in the world! Open yourself right up, reveal your vulnerable spot, and wait to see their reaction. So freaking terrifying!!! But worth it. Because, really, do you want someone in your life that you have to lie to in order to keep them from running away? Is it really worth it to keep a part of yourself hidden all the time?
I ended a relationship over this very idea. A long term, deep and intimate relationship. They wanted me to hide a part of myself, and I just… couldn’t. And it hurt, oh gods, yeah, it hurt. But… Y’know, I feel better now than I did when I was in that relationship. I don’t have to hide who and what I am, I don’t have to constantly monitor my own behavior to make sure I’m not ‘leaking’ anything. And now I have people that I can be fully myself with, that I can that open and vulnerable and not afraid. It’s fantastic.
I flatly refuse to settle. Ever. I’m worth more than that, damnit. 😉 lol!!!
I was not planning on posting anything here mainly because I have never been in a relationship and am not one to talk about such things. Your response to Ms Olivia’s comment touched me.
It is sad that there are people that are afraid of being themselves and constantly lie to themselves about who they are. I imagine it can be even worse when you have someone telling you to hide yourself because of their own fears. I can understand the hurt from lying to yourself very much.
By the way interesting article. Ms Olivia’s comments on truth are so very true.
I’m glad that you were lured into commenting, Forest. I think it’s sad that so many people seem to feel that there is no other alternative than to live a lie. How fucking tragic is our species, that the things which should bring us the most joy and bliss are so often the things that wind up cutting us to the bone? I suppose that’s why Shakespeare is still relevant, and forms the backbone of our greatest literature, our mythology and every part of our art.
Ah, angst. Glorious angst.
…and now, I need some nice nasty smut to balance all this angst out. 😉
mmmm smut glorious smut.
Smut will set you free!
(or at least get the sheets somewhat sticky…)
Ahhhhhh, I’m so glad that you wrote Forrest! And I’m so sorry to hear that Ms Harper….and I know what you mean! I’ll tell you both (and other reading here) about one time when I was having a conversation with the boyfriend about “what are your fantasies”. I was much younger and didn’t know anything about kinky or fetish sex so what I wanted to try was VERY tame (compared to what I’m doing now! LOL) and I told him that my ass felt very sensitive and I want some more attention there. Even though we’d agreed on “no judgment” his reaction was ewwww, ick that’s NASTY! It just plain shut me down! Of course I didn’t say anything more about what I wanted to try….that or really anything else.
I think the real danger of shutting someone down is that you end up killing just a little part of their soul and that is never good.
I hear that so many times from guys who call. They don’t even bother to talk with their wife or girlfriend about an erotic desire or sex fetish because she shut them down when they were kind of hinting around and exploring whether or how to tell her.
Oh, ouch! That supremely blows.
Maybe I need to pen another post here, talking about how to be the person your partner is introducing a new kink to. There’s something to be said for maintaining an open mind about things, not allowing your own kneejerk responses and ingrained prejudices to sway you.
I’m sorry that your loved one reacted the way that he did, Olivia. He sure did manage to put his foot in it! Imagine all the fun he could have been having, if only he had managed to refrain from being an asshole. 😛