I had someone ask me a question recently, and, since Whore School is all about adult sex education, with an emphasis on the ‘adult’ and ‘education’ in particular, I answered in full for them. And really, I’m always so glad when someone brings their confusion, their questions, and their idle curiosity to me to be assuaged. Especially when it’s a good thinky question about gender identity and gender performance! They wanted to know if the way a person identified meant they should act in a way that conformed to that identity.

There is no such thing as a bad question, and this one was a good complex one!

Does your gender identity determine your behavior? Should people act like the gender they’ve proclaimed themselves to be? The answer is yes. And also no. Your gender identity is who you are on the inside. Identity is always a question of deeply personal alignment and identification. The only person who can answer ‘who are you’ is YOU. Who you are on the inside does not necessarily determine or prescribe how you act. Your gender presentation is how you present yourself to the world.

If gender identity is who you are, gender performance is how you act.

Your gender performance is the sum total of your behaviors, your clothes or costume, your props, your words and deeds, and can even involve other people’s expectations of so-called ‘proper’ behavior. That gender performance changes based on where you are and who you’re interacting with, too. The way you dress when you’re out with friends for a fun night is not the same as how you dress for a board meeting. A three am ice cream run involves a different outfit and set of behaviors than running an errand on the clock for the boss.

And, sometimes, a person may choose to actively perform a gender presentation that is not in line with their gender identity!

A person who is trans, but isn’t out at work, may act and dress as a gender that conforms to expectations at their workplace. A male looking person with a full beard in a dress would be perfectly fine at a Pride event, but less accepted at a conservative business meeting. The person in the clothing hasn’t changed, but the presentation is shaded and altered according to need, whim, and other factors. A drag queen fits in anywhere, but may be less noticeable at a club than in an Evangelical church. The presentation can change, and does not have to align with identity!

If you feel like sometimes your gender identity and gender presentation don’t line up, don’t worry!

That’s normal. And, if it deeply bothers you, we can talk about ways to bring your presentation in line with your identity, even in small ways that can soothe your need to be true to yourself without resorting to more drastic measures that may not be ready for yet. Subtle feminization can be very effective for bringing your external presentation in line with your internal truth… Give me a call and we can discuss in depth!

Got questions for me? Email me: harper@enchantrixempire.com, or tweet me: EnchantrxHarper!

Feel free to bring me all your embarrassing questions! I promise I won’t laugh at you or make you feel silly for asking. After all, gender identity is a new enough idea for millenials to get a handle on, if you’re from one of the prior generations odds are good you have no idea what all the hubbub is about! Pronouns, why would you have to ask?! amirite? So go on, ask me the things you’re curious about, or confused over.

Your Sex Education Mistress, Harper